Painful Delivery

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed.
The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused itto amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for him to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and thedoctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home.
When they gat home, they found the milkman dead on the sofa.

Hand in marriage

Father-In-Law : Young man, U’re coming to seek my daughter’s hand in marriage and u’re chewing gum.That’s a sign of disrespect!

Man : Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke.

Father-In-Law : You mean u drink & smoke and u’re here to seek my daughter’s hand in marriage?

Man : Sir I only drink & smoke when i go to the club.

Father-In-Law : U club too?

Man : I’m sorry sir, I started clubbing when i came out of prison.

Father-In-Law : U’ve also been in prison before? Oh my God!

Man: Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed somebody.

Father-In-Law : What!!! U’re a killer???

Man : Sir, It happened out of anger. It was a certain man that didn’t allow me to marry his daughter so i killed him.

Father-In-Law : U are highly welcome my son. U are on the right track. U’re absolutely the right man for my daughter.

Grandpa and Grandson

Grand pa said to Grand son ”See your teacher is coming, go and hide because you missed school today.” Grand son replied, ” I took an excuse that you are dead so na you go go hide.”

Do me I do you

CHIDI MOKEME AND JEAN - Wedding highlights

Parrot

A lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the sales person "What's so special about the parrot ?"
Sales person" this parrot can talk" So the lady asks the parrot " how do i look?" The parrot replies " you look like a fcuking Slut?"
The lady gets pissed off and tells the sales person that its a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it.
The sales person tells her to please wait for 2 mins.
The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says "if you disrespect the lady out there I'll soak you in water again" and takes the parrot back outside.
The sales person asked the lady to ask the parrot another question.
Lady: "if i come home with 1 man what would you think?"
Parrot: "he's your husband"
Lady: "2 men"
Parrot "your husband and his brother"
Lady: "3 men"
Parrot: "your husband, his brother & your brother"Lady : "4 men"
Parrot: "bring the fcuking bucket of water, I already told you she's a slut!"

LOL

An ex-convict breaks into a house, ties up d husband & wife. He jumps on d wife, kisses her ear then runs to  the bathroom. Husband whispers to wife "satisfy him or he'll kill us. I saw the way he kissed you, just be strong.. I love you"
Wife replies, "he didn't kiss me. he whispered he is gay, he is looking for vaseline"

Funny

Madam vs. Housemaid

Ada, a House Maid in VGC, Lagos asked for a pay increase. The Madam was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise of pay that was requested.

She asked: 'Now Ada, why do you feel you deserve a pay increase?'

Ada: 'Well, ma'am, three reasons why I want the increase.' The first one, I dey iron better than you'!

Madam : Who said u iron better than me??'.
Ada:'Your husband say so! Madam: 'oh!
Ada: The second reason:...I can cook. better than u.'
Madam: 'Nonsense, who said u were a better cook than me??'.
Ada: Your husband again'. Madam: 'oh!
Ada: The third reason is that I am better in bed than u..... Madam: 'Really, (now furious & agitated): 'my husband said that as well??!!!!
Ada: 'No Madam , your husband best friend, Senator Andrew..... told me that I was better in bed than u.

Madam: ☺K. Ada baby!! How much you say u want again?

Mother-in-Law vs Daughter-in-law

Mother-in-law: "My son must listen to me & obey my instructions, except if he did not suck this breast of mine for more than a year"

Daughter-in-law: Mama, that was over 30 years ago!!! You must realize that it is my breast he sucks now. He has sucked it for more years & he is still sucking".

Mother-in-Law: “ I carried him for 9 months........"

Daughter-In-Law: "He was only 3.5KG then, wasn't he?.... so whats the big deal?

I CARRY HIM EVERY NIGHT & HE IS 110 KG NOW.

Just Joking

Phone rings!!!
GIRL- Hello
BOY- My love, how are you doing?
GIRL- I'm fine
BOY- Will u be less busy on the weekend to come to my house?
GIRL- I'm sorry i can't make it because i will be attending my aunty's wedding & the next day is the thanksgiving in the church. I'm so occupied
BOY-I wanted to take u shopping to buy u as promised the BB porsche & brazilian hair u have been asking for
GIRL- I will be coming & I may even spend d weekend if you want, my love.
BOY- What of d wedding?
GIRL- Which wedding, i was just joking
Boy- Even me, i was just joking too.

Funny

Teacher: how old is ur dad?
Student: we are of the same age.
Teacher: how is that even possible?
Student: coz he became a dad only when i was
born!

Teacher: give an example of coincidence?
Student: my mom and dad got married the same
day.

Teacher: what does your father do?
Student: whatever my mother says!

Teacher:why are you late?
Student:i read the road sign that says 'slow
down, school ahead!'

Teacher: define the term 'hypertension'
Student: jmagdtmpmj magdajpd!
Teacher: i dont understand that!
Student: same here!

Jokesss

I went with a friend to visit a very rich family. The maid approaches me and...here comes trouble:
Maid: What would you like to take? Fruit juice, soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino, or coffee?
 Me: Tea, please. Maid: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea, or green tea? Me: Ceylon tea, please.
Maid: How would you like it? Black or white?
 Me: White.
Maid: Milk or fresh cream?
Me: Milk.
Maid: Goat milk or cow milk?
Me: With cow milk, please.
Maid: Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
Me: Umm...I think I'll take the freeze land cow.
Maid: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar, or honey?
Me: With sugar.
Maid: Bee sugar or cane sugar?
Me: Cane sugar.
Maid: White, brown or yellow?
Me: Please forget about the tea. Just give me a glass of water instead.
Maid: Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?
Me: Mineral water.
Maid: Flavoured or non-flavoured?
Me: Infact, get me an empty glass.
Maid: Tumbler, wine glass, goblet, champagne flute, or beer mug?
Me: Please I think I'll just swallow my spit

Sh*t Nigerian Parents Say (Dad Version)

AY AND TONTO DIKEH CAUGHT IN D CLOSET